The Camera is Back!!!

Last month, when my laptop got jacked, the USB cord to my ancient digital camera got jacked along with it. In the meantime, I had been trying to figure out a way to get the photos on the CompactFlash card onto a desktop, any desktop.

I bought an equally ancient card reader at Best Buy over the weekend. It only worked on Windows 98 and I had the good luck to find that one of the computers my cousin Katherine owns has Win98 on it.

The camera is back! :) So I'm going to be back documenting life again! It's awesome to remember good times and I so missed taking photos!

Until next time!

P.S: Link to recently uploaded photos - Paula and Walt in Rio - Carnaval 2003!

Alright, I Will Slowly Come Back Now...

Despite my gregariousness, there is not one person in the world who knows everything that's going on in my life and my head. I would venture to say that if one day Walt, my cousin Katherine, Ryan, and Mike got together and pooled all their knowledge, they would know a good 95% of what's going on.

So let me go ahead and still narrow that percentage...

I really don't know what the scoop is with me lately. My views still haven't changed about my wanting "alone" time. I'm still going to cut down on going out from this point on but I know I will be missing my friends. If it wasn't for those clowns, I wouldn't be coming home at 3 or 4:00 AM on Fridays and Saturdays is making me a cranky bitch on Sundays. But you know, I love the energy they give me because it's all just about good vibes and good times. Depriving me of that would really have a negative effect on my creativity.

But the wall I've erected is still kinda sorta there. I guess when I lost my laptop, that was the final straw. In a way, that really was my wake-up call to just get real now. Fun and games have a place in life. Too much will make you careless. Self-centeredness will make you distant to other people. Although being the eternal optimist is such a positive way to view the world, you get tired being "up" all the time.

Last night, at Ryan's party, I was having a great time with a great bunch of people that I would venture to say, I love.

So here I am this morning, feeling the residual effect of last night, being positive about life again.

I think I'm bipolar.

When I get good insurance again, I'll go see a professional to see if I really am bipolar. Perhaps that would explain the one-day-ecstatic/one-day-blue rollercoaster ride I've been on the past few years. But then again, I know some people who will argue that I'm just normal... Ah well!

Novel Progress Report: Chapter 2, Page 12.

Self-Censorship

Due to the very public nature of this blog, I'm sorry to admit that I'm not very forthright here. Those who know me very well will note glaring omissions since this whole thing started back in October. In fact, I am certainly more forthright when I engage in conversation instead. But even then...

I'm trying to figure out why I self-censor. I think it's mostly to protect the innocent/guilty that inhabit my life. Lord knows I don't care what people think about my own activities. But I know that questions will be asked when other people are concerned. No, nothing particularly juicy or controversial has been happening lately. Quite the contrary. It's just that... Oh, I don't know! I guess I'm trying to shield the feelings of other people.

So with that, Ant$, you will find out the whole story tomorrow around noonish, my time. ;)

Libido-less

Let me throw this question out to the world. Frankly, I have no clue what has befallen me.

I have lost my libido. I dropped it somewhere.

I mean, even when I sorta kinda had an encounter almost two weeks ago, I wasn't feeling it.

Somehow, I think I may have redirected all my energy to this novel I'm obsessed/writing about. I mean, I like redirecting energy but all of it? Also, I have been looking into some academic research to boot. I mean, my research/academic project is something I know I can use for my doctoral/M.A dissertation someday.

What the heck happened to me? When did I geek out this much?

I'm not interested in dating anyone. I'm not interested in the casual sex part either. I'm not even interested in looking for the relationship thing because I know I'll be leaving next year anyway. Why let some poor guy suffer while I'm away? No, my vibe hasn't been put to any use either.

However, this geeking out has made me super productive.

Can anyone give me some explanation at what's happening with me?

False Alarm and A Building on Memory Lane

False Alarm
The other day, I got an invitation on my inbox to attend a magazine (an annual) launch. On the cc line were a list of email addresses, some of them belonging to writer friends.

So I emailed the magazine back wondering where the heck they got my email address and if I was in the magazine, that's why I got the invitation.

They said no I wasn't in it but I'm welcome to come.

Okay, they send me an invitation four days before the event. They're up north. I'm here in L.A. I'm not in the magazine.

Ummm... Okay...?

You know, these magazine folks have been rejecting me for the past seven (eight now) years. I mean, everyone I know who has gotten into that magazine have become successful writers in their own right and I figured if I got in there, I'd be in with the cool crowd. (God, it's like twisted high school.)

There's always next year.

A Building on Memory Lane
Yesterday, C.Brainard and I were invited to The Aerospace Corporation to man a vendor booth at their annual Asian American Heritage Week. All the aerospace companies in El Segundo do this.

When I was 17 and Eric was 19, he got his first co-op job here. Yes, this was the company that sent him out here in California. That was 1990. (Deleted a line that sums up some crazy/cool history or in other words, baggage.)

(Gee, I'm really walking down Memory Lane and taking in the sights.)

I had never been inside that building before and the super high security wasn't helpful. If you weren't invited in there, you can't come in. So we sold our books inside the facility and left after the expo. C.Brainard and I then had lunch in Manhattan Beach. It was a fun day.

So I emailed Eric about my day there. But I know he won't be responding for a while. He's in England right now and won't be back in the States until a couple of weeks from now.

Oh yeah, I might be going to an expo in Las Vegas at the end of June. Great. I could never say no to a road trip. Well, it's not really a pleasure trip. I'm going up there to promote the book. Yeah, promote the book. (and visit Terry who has been asking me to move there for years now.)

Novel Progress Report: Okay, scold me. I couldn't seem to get out of Chapter 1, Page 15 so I skipped to Chapter 2. Besides, when C.Brainard said to me that if I was getting bored writing something, it could be boring to the readers too! Skip away, she said. Good advide! Good advice!

Until next time.

Paula Turns Into A Gay, Asian Male

Recruiters
I went to see another recruiter yesterday by LAX. The guy is saying the market for my skills is getting better. But I don't think it is. Oh well, I'm giving myself until the end of the month for things to get better or else.. or else... It's Vegas time. I think Vegas has more job opps than Los Angeles...

Paula Turns Into A Gay, Asian Male
Last night I got a call for submission from Joel T. that he is going to be editing another anthology of Gay Asian Male writing.

The email was only given out to writers on his short list. It's bcc'ed but I bet Ryan got this email too.

He says you don't have to be a real live gay Asian male to be able to write a gay Asian male story. Just have it be a good story with the specific character in mind.

So I sat here racking my brain about how it is to be a gay Asian male. This is what I came up with:

...

Yeah, a whole lot of nothing.

I forwarded the email to Walt and he gave me a call soon afterward because he noticed he was getting a barrage of emails from me and figured I was still awake.

We talked about collaborating on the above call for submission. I will be providing the Asian part and Walt will be providing the gay male part. This will be our first collaboration together. So yeah, we'll be co-authoring.

Later tonight, he and I will be calling each other for the story timeline and series of events. I'll be filling out the series of events and he'll be doing the touch-ups.

It should be interesting but we need to hustle. The deadline for submission is July 2nd.

Wish us luck!

Everyday I Get Only Six Hours of Sleep

Currently listening to: Bambu: Self-Untitled - Catch him and Kiwi, the Native Guns, perform at a city near you! They're an underground/indie hip-hop group not about the cash-money-bling hos. They're about justice, peace, and respecting women as the queens that they are!

My Car Is Officially Elderly Now
Friday night. After working with the old lady from Bel Air, I made a mad dash to El Segundo because I just heard some good news from Leo: he just got a promotion.

You see, in these times where dotcom jobs are non-existent, consulting companies are going under, and people are getting laid off left and right, Leo is a ray of hope. He works for a consulting company on an H1-B visa and he's getting promoted.

There are deities out there listening!

So we celebrated his promotion by drinking. On him. I had my one margarita and was very happy.

However, on my way home, my car overheated around Culver City. I called AAA and a young Mexican guy came in with a flatbed tow-truck. Before he got there, I already took a look under my hood and saw that my water container was empty. I was nowhere near a gas station. I told him upfront that I wasn't a stupid girl who didn't know anything about cars. I asked if I drowned my radiator and filled up the water thing, will I be able to drive over to the Valley without killing my car?

He said yes, after all, I didn't stall on the road. I just saw the heat indicator on my dashboard on H.

After drenching the radiator, I slowly rolled back home. It was 1:00 AM. The drinking in El Segundo ended at 10:30 PM.

I took my car to my mechanic and asked if I messed up my engine block. He said no. My water pump died. Oh, and I was about close to needing a new timing belt. I have been going to the same mechanic for 3 years now for maintenance and stuff. He's honest. He gave me a fair price but that meant I was going to be carless until Monday afternoon.

Orange Alert
Leo reminded me of a cold, hard fact during his promotion drinkathon: My biological clock is on Orange Alert. He said that as single folks, we who are 30 years old should meet the guy/girl that we want to marry now, be with/be married to them soon so that in 5 years, we can have families.

I'm sorry but I don't have that timeline and by the way he was talking, he's telling me I should.

I really don't feel that way. Sure I'm an old fashioned girl when it comes to families. I believe that the woman should stay at home to raise their kids and crap like that but I feel like if it's not going to happen to me, then it won't. I feel like my novel is my child that I'm working to raise. If I still wanted a child in 5 years, there's the option of getting knocked up and being a single mom. Heck, my mom did it and look how I turned out! (Okay, maybe I'm not the best example.)

I'll keep Leo's timeline handy in the back of my mind but I'm not going on Orange Alert.

Underground Hip-Hop
This Filipino-American L.A artist scene is so fricken small it kills me. Everybody knows everybody. So Bambu and Kiwi were performing and I was there and literally saw EVERYBODY in the scene. However, Ryan and Allan A. were absent.

Mike, Nitin, and I went to this club in Hollywood to watch Bambu and we all had a great time. We were bummed that the show didn't last too long because of some stupid prep-time fiasco. Needless to say, I doubt we'd be doing that venue again.

But both Mike and Nitin had never seen an underground hip-hop show before. They enjoyed themselves and asked me if we can do this every weekend.

"Every weekend?!" I said as I yawned and my left-lower eyelid twitched violently. (A sign of lack of sleep or stress. Mostly lack of sleep.)

"Yes! Now that Chris is gone, you're my only party connection now." Nitin said, still dancing while we walked down Hollywood Blvd.

"Yeah!" Mike added. "We must! I like this new you."

I explained to both guys that I'm tired. I'm oooh so tired! I had been partying like this every weekend almost since October 2002! It's now May. I want to sleep more than 6 hours a day. Please.

But they begged and insisted that it would only be on the weekends.

Oh Lord! I'm tired. I'm tired. Tired. Tired. I don't want to do this any more. I want to get a full-time job. I just want to sit at home and write, read, exercise, and drink my damn caipirinhas on the weekends. No more partying.

But Ryan said that he noticed I was on a runaway train and this train ain't lettin' off any passengers, baby!

Oh! I don't know. We'll see what 2003 dishes out. It's only May.

Novel Progress Report: Now on Chapter 1, Page 15.

Full Blown Production Mode

Bruno sent me an email today letting me know that he got the post card I sent him last week. He told me he misses his favorite Filipina girl. (awwww!) Well, I told him I missed him too, my favorite Carioca in the world. Last night, I went out for a drink with Ryan to hang out and catch up with each other's lives. I told him that all the cultural events I've been going to lately has totally fueled my creativity. I mean, I have never been this productive in a long time! It's sooo good to be in full-blown production mode! See Novel Progress Report Below...

Jobs
The IT recruiters are calling back! The jobs are back! Halleluja! Praise God! I have an interview with one on Monday. Someone threw me an opening in Encino within minutes of receiving my resume...

Thank you Jesus, Mary, Joseph, all the Saints. Big ups to Ganesh! (My fave Hindu God.) Thanks Allah! You're the Man! Whee!

Novel Progress Report: I am now on Chapter 1, Page 8.

Have You Broken Your Hip Today? I'll Help

This is gonna be a short entry since I gotta skeedaddle to work. :)

Yesterday, the lady who runs the agency that lets odd-jobbers like me help out old folks go to the doctor or the hairdresser gave me a call.

I will now be working 11:00 AM to 7:00 PM somewhere in Bel Air on Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday and the occassional Sunday.

Nice. Under the table. Instacash.

So off to work I go!

Enculturated

Last night, I went to the I Was Born With Two Tongues, zero 3, and Balagtasan Collective show in Little Tokyo. I got in a little late while trying to find parking. Little Tokyo is a mere block away from Skid Row where the homeless folks own more expensive tents than I do. Only in L.A.

Met some of my friends' significant others. Gave Alfie a present I bought for her in Rio de Janeiro myself on Rua Oliveira where the music stores were. It was about fricken time too. ;)

Lucy is the new head of PAN Teatro. While at Weiland's, I asked Lucy about a potential research study I want to do since she was working on her own dissertation. Allan A. thought I had an interesting question, since his forte was the economic and social diaspora while mine was... Mine was... Different. "Hey," he said, "You could get a grant to find out the answer to that! It'll count for your MA or Ph.D diss(ertation) too."

I think I just might.

Yes, everyone was there. I had a great time. But this time, instead of waiting until the bar closed, me, Lucy, and Jilly of FilAm Arts walked to our cars at a stunning 1:00 AM.

I woke up at 8:45 AM today, the first time I'd waken up that early in WEEKS. Pretty soon I think I'll be waking up at 6:00 AM to get ready to go to work.

Yes, I'm getting there.

Novel Progress Report: Nothing written for today. (Yes, scold me. Please.)

Addendum: The Novel Diary/Progress Report

From now on, I will add a section to each of my entries on this blog called The Novel Progress Report. I will let you guys know how many pages or paragraphs I wrote for the novel that day so you guys can keep track of it's progress. It's like, mmm.... a food diary or something only for the novel. If I write a lot, great! If I don't, then you guys can scold me. Unfortunately, only Walt will get to see the photocopied versions of the drafts/novel snail-mailed to his house. He is my anchor, my coach, my nagging mom, and my whip-weilding Editor. He is the one I trust the most with my writing.

Here's the first Novel Diary entry:
& I have finished the Prologue tentatively titled "Monkey". It is 10 hand-written pages long.

Cidade de Deus

(Edited crap about Wednesday night. Ant$, you know where to find the complete version of this...)

I was hanging out at Katherine's house almost all day yesterday, tired, and still doing errands like dropping off Julianne and my uncle there.

... There was nothing on cable so I asked Katherine if she wanted to watch Cidade de Deus with me. The movie was still playing at Laemmle 3 on Fairfax. When I was in Rio, the movie was already being hawked in the streets on pirated DVDs. I didn't buy one because Bruno said those didn't have English subtitles.

That's a literally killer good movie. Very violent. But very good. I also got to hear Portuguese spoken again. It felt good. :)

So we got home a little past midnight. It was nice to spend family time again. In fact, I haven't had family time in months. Yeah, I think I will go back and rediscover that. :) ...

Busyness

I have been so busy networking and doing the book reading stuff but I could tell that the money I got stashed away is dripping drop-by-drop-by-drop into the netherworld that is my expenses. I am getting worried and I need to act now to regain the money dripping away. So, I quickly returned calls from recruiters as they left messages on my voicemail.

But I really want to just go out there and earn cash by answering phones or delivering mail to cubes. I really do. I want to spare my braincells for writing.

I am tired. I had a long, hard week. Shit, I had a long, hard 2003 and it's only May.

I'm checking myself out of the social scene except when I have to be at events. So for the rest of the year I will be the ugly girl sitting at home on a Saturday night, on purpose.

This novel needs to be written. Coming home at 4:00 AM early Sunday is not conducive to writing, to me that is.

I also have a lot of things to reconsider in life. I know my long-time friends and my close family members freak when all of a sudden I stop talking and in fact, I will stop talking about my feelings and my thoughts after this entry. But I'm also a good actress. I can pretend nothing's wrong and keep the show on the road even if deep inside, I'm dying. I smile. I laugh. I socialize. I joke. But inside, I'm in a rubble.

So be ready for some banality now, folks. Okay, perhaps the occassional bone might be thrown out but don't count on it...

Funny, this diary entry for today is totally different from the other one I keep. But then again, I'm more honest on the other one. No, I'm not gonna tell anyone from here where the other one is either...