Where's My Motivation?

Damn! I'm so screwed right now it's not even funny. I can't make myself write Chapter 9. It's 50% done but I'm spiritually not into it. I don't want to write about fricken war for God's sake! I can't make myself describe the attrocities people have done to other people! I'm a naturally happy person and for me to go into the darkest part of humanity is very hard for me to do. I gotta snap out of this. I gotta follow the advice I gave to the college kids at CSUN and find my motivation again! UGH!!!

But I have to finish a chapter this week. Chapter 10 is being done by my family. Chapter 11 is the next logical step. But it's going to suck bigtime writing that because I need information that will be provided from Chapter 10. Ah hell! I'll guestimate. It'll all get cleared out when I do the first pass fact-check edit. I should stop using that as my mantra. It's not going to work all the time, everytime.

Adios, I got some research to do for Chapter 11.

Chapter 8 Done!

It's about stinking time but I got Chapter 8 done on Thursday, April 14. It was two days late. Ugh! Actually, I might need to add another page to it just to tidy up the chapter ending. But that can wait until the first editing pass.

In case you all want to know what this novel is about, it's my grandfather's biography. It's a fricken epic. The story starts at around 1850 and I don't know how to end it yet. It doesn't even have a title because I believe stories name themselves. I'm thinking the title will pop up and assert itself sometime soon. It's going to be a phrase or a set of words that will embody the spirit of the story.

BTW, my grandfather turns 89 at the end of the month.

Don't tell anyone. Chapter 9 is about 60% done. It's the World War II chapter and I've been working on this chapter for years. The first story from this chapter I wrote when I was 19 years old. I got a national award for that one and it hangs as my mom's place. :) That's the story that got published in Disorient 9. Needless to say, this is the longest chapter in the whole novel. I'm thinking this chapter by itself will be 40 single-spaced pages. I have to write "the beginning of The Occupation" short story, "the manhole short story", "the Battle for Manila", and "the end of The Occupation" short story.

Oh crap. This chapter is only 50% done. That's four mini-short stories to write!!!

On Friday, Allan asked me to speak at his class. That was good. I read a piece of Chapter 2 to them and Allan totally liked it. Very descriptive, his TA even said. I dunno. It's the first draft and when I wrote it, I was "on". There are only five "on" chapters/large sections in the whole novel so far. Which means there are four "off" chapters. I need to revisit those chapters after the fact-check pass and make sure I am "on" when I rewrite them.

Shit. People do not realize that writers are not always "on" and when you're not "on", it shows in the writing. At this very moment, I am "off". Tomorrow, I will need to add Walt's edits on the "midnight fishing story". Hopefully, I'll get a green light on it by Friday so I can send it off to the selection committee. If it gets selected, that would mean I'll be in another anthology by the end of 2005. Nice!

Behind


I'm lying. My calendar below is actually tricked out so it's 1 week ahead of schedule. It is now the 2nd and I'm supposed to be halfway done with Chapter 8. I have one page from when I started last Sunday. Work has been kicking my ass all week.

I like this job. I like the people I work with except for one person that no one in the office likes. Last week she had some "family crisis" and is dropping balls all over the place. I even overheard her being berated by her boss. Very nice. But I wonder if she'll get canned. We're all hoping she does. Honestly, this job is like high school all over again and I'm part of the cool crowd.

It's going to be a little hard finishing this novel since my mom and I had a big fallout as of yesterday. My sister knows how heart-attack serious I am. Without getting into gory details the long and short of it is this: I've always had an issue with my mom taking advantage of my generosity with her. My sis does that too with the driving and all but with other things, she is straight up and honest. That, I can truly appreciate. My sis is true to her word and has respect for the things I own and earn. My mom does not. Hence the falling out. I could forsee myself not talking to her for years since her transgressions are really, really bad. I hope she realizes that there is a fine line between being generous and being made into a schmuck and she crossed the line. I'm done. Finished. I don't want any apologies either. The best apology to me is genuine change and at her age, I really doubt that would happen.

When I write the chapter on her, it will definitely be very distant. Well, all characters in the novel I've managed to distance myself from. They stand on no mythical pedestal, that's for sure. I will just state the facts and I will leave it at that. I hope she realizes what she has done.